Listen up you undapants!

Now that the new school year's underway, it's time to get clubs rolling. The Human Studies Association -- that's the humanization club, for the slow ones out there -- is going to be having its first meeting next weekend. First, we're going to let everyone pick out humanization items and get acquainted with one another.

After that, we're headed out to the mall. Since there's that cruise coming up on the 29th, I figured it'd be a good idea to learn about human swimwear.

I'd offer swimming lessons too, but I'm not getting paid for those. Go bug Sonic for some, I hear he's a real expert in the water.

Hey, and don't be shy about showing up if you've already taken humanization classes from that guy I shot down. You don't need to be new to the human experience to join the HSA. In fact, your expertise may come in handy. Saves me having to explain anything, at least.

So if you're interested in joining up, let me know.

Girls are weird. It's been days and I still can't shake the feeling that I did something wrong.


Hey everyone? Big news.

I've been doing some talking with the Headmasters. Mostly Crazy Hand. He accepts bribes. Humanization is no longer a class.

Instead, we have an extracirricular club. The Human Studies Association. Great name, huh? Think of us as a support group. We have get-togethers to talk about our feelings or something, but more importantly, we'll also have field trips to help us be immersed and integrated into human activities. I mostly just wanted an excuse to be paid to go on trips, don't question it. On the off chance you guys have any questions about being human in between meetings, go ahead and drop me a line. I'm here to help. Whether you've been human for a while now or you're still new, you're welcome in the HSA, too. Just don't forget to pay your club fees.

If you don't wanna bother with the club, but you need humanization items, that's fine by me. I've also opened up a shop out of my dorm -- hope that Dai kid doesn't mind. All the stuff I ordered just arrived. Come check our selection out! We've got necklaces, earrings, bracelets, keychains, pins, watches, collars, temporary tattoos, scrolls with some kind of magic spell or something... you name it, and chances are, we got it. These things are top-of-the-line, too. No more taking things on and off to switch form. Almost everything we have in stock comes with an easy-to-use on/off switch.

Even if you were born a human, stop by sometime. I've got lots of school-related merch for you to show off some Smash Academy pride. We got plushes of Nancy, Headmaster Hand gloves, messenger bags with the school logo, fuzzy smash balls for your car's rearview mirror, Xatu bobbleheads... all kinds of useless crap great stuff.

Hey, teachers, any of you willing to sell out lend your likeness in the name of school spirit? I'm always looking for ways to exploit others for profit appeal to my customers. Think there's a big market out there for authentic Rawk Hawk speedos or Eggman-brand false moustaches? Let me know.

If any of you are interested in joining the HSA, then be sure you drop a line, too. It's an excuse to take field trips every other week. How could you not be interested?

Yeah, I'll pass on the dance. I know you're all disappointed, but you'll get by without my awesome moves somehow.

Jeez, I'm up to my elbows in catalogues and order forms. Hey, Sumabura... how do you feel about showing your school spirit? I'm going to be ordering in some items for... let's call it a business venture. I'm thinking stuff like necklaces, wristbands, earrings, keychains. Things that you can wear or carry around easily.

So far, I've figured I'll offer ones with the school logo and ones with miniature Hands. Provided I get their okay to use their likenesses. You guys got any other designs you'd wear with pride? Tiny plush Nancy? Smash Balls? Pokeballs or whatever they're called? You're the ones who are gonna be buying this crap, so gimmie your input.

Anybody else been keeping an eye on the news lately? We're all over it. Everyone's a superhero, everyone's a Captain Kirk war hero! Now that the dome's gone, I bet we'll have news teams all over the city.

That's not even the best of it. Wave! Remember that jerk I shot down? Turns out he's some kind of assassin or something, and the price on his head was a ridiculous amount of cash. We've hit the jackpot!
Soon as the city's rebuilt and places are actually open, you pick something out for yourself, okay? Anything you want. It's killing me inside to be this generous but I figure you deserve one heck of a birthday present after all that. I'll get you something on Storm's behalf, too. He found a really old treasure map underneath the cornerstone of one of the ruined buildings out here, so he was all eager to go and find it for me us. He didn't want to wait for the celebrations or take us along, just said something about proving how useful he is. There's no stopping Storm once he gets one of those ideas in his head.

So basically, I got to fly a spacefighter and make a hilarious amount of cash, and whenever Storm gets back he's going to have even more riches. Think you can top that, Sonic the Hedgehog?

It's not gonna do any good to just rest my laurels, though. I already missed out on the best looting, and I'm not going to let another chance of raking in a profit slip by. That guy I hit used to be in charge of humanization, right?
...Hmm. Think I'll go snoop around his old office before it gets cleaned out.

And maybe put out a want ad for a nice secretary, while I'm at it.

Well, this is a surprising turn of events. Never a dull moment around here, eh?

Sumabura, you can count on the Babylon Rogues. The skies will be safe as long as we're around.
Sonic, I hope we can trust you not to screw up too badly on the ground.

( Private to the Rogues. )

((If you're curious/in need for an RNG, I used Random.org. The List Randomizer decided matches and the Sequence Generator decided who got which condition, though a couple got switched around for lol Sonic rigging and Pix's Monkey Island faito. :Db))

Okay, Sumabura, I got impatient. Here are the Boot Camp matchups and the fight conditions. You have until midnight central time on Tuesday, January 20 to complete your matches. Fight whenever or however, log, tegaki, or actual Brawl match if you have a Brawl-related condition just as long as you stick to your match condition.
Without further ado, here are the matches:

1. Kirby vs. Panther (Condition 4: Combatants will be armed with cream pies.)
2. Lash vs. Geno (Condition 10: Combatants must insult each other as they fight. The wittiest one wins.)
3. Roselia vs. Knuckles (Condition 9: Combatants must fight to ridiculously inappropriate fight music, and sing along. Feel free to use different songs, those are just to set the mood.)
4. Storm vs. Vivian (Condition 8: Combatants are required to duel equipped with Beam Swords. Darth Vader masks available upon request.)
5. Fang vs. Goombario (Condition 5: Bob-Ombs, sticky bombs, and remote mines are set to randomly appear every few minutes.)
6. Petunia vs. Sonic (Condition 7: Combatants must battle underwater (Zora-scale tunics will be provided to allow breathing underwater) and are prohibited from using B-moves special moves. Only female combatants are allowed to run.)
7. Smeargle vs. Daisy (Condition 6: Combatants must spend the duration of their match with a stamina-sucking flower from Lip's Stick on their head.)
8. Aviana vs. Paula (Condition 3: Reduced gravity. Skirts not recommended.)
9. Watt vs. Blaze (Condition 2: Combatants are required to fight in grass skirts and coconut bras.)
10. Maxwell vs. Lighter (Condition 1: Both combatants must wear magical girl uniforms and shout out cheesy names for their special moves ("Glittering Prism Love Kick!"))

Listen up you undapants, Sumabura!

Glitz Pit Boot Camp. You remember hearing about it? In case you don't, let me remind you.

This organization is affiliated with the Sumabura branch of the Glitz Pit, but it's not an actual requirement for it. You can go ahead and join the Pit without ever bothering with this, and you can visit boot camp as often as you want without ever setting foot near the Glitz Pit.

1. Boot camp is not a requirement for the actual Glitz Pit, nor do you need to be a Glitz Pit fighter to attend boot camp. You're welcome to sign up for both if you really want, but there are limited slots and I'll favour camp-only applicants over you.
2. Other than that, it's first come, first serve. There are 20 slots open per session, so don't be afraid to sign up.
3. Once accepted, participants will be randomly matched up to compete against each other in a single spar. These will be held in the school arena, so it's up to participants to arrange a time and select a stage to use. School rules and safety protocols will be in use, so don't worry about incurring any lasting injuries. You have two weeks from the day your foe is assigned before the results of your fight are due. If you're unable to carry out your match to it's conclusion before then, the last person to post land a hit will be considered the winner.
4. In addition to the school's rules, there will be a condition imposed on the combatants, in the style of the Glitz Pit. Examples include "no items or weapons can be used," "both fighters must use a move where they do a triple flip and meow," "fighters are required to spend the entire match with bunny ears on," and whatever else I pull out of my ass our highly-trained staff can brainstorm. If you fail to comply with the condition, you lose by default. Loser.
5. Boot camp lasts for one fight and one fight only. If you want to have more than one spar, you'll have to sign up for another session, but newcomers are given priority over people who attended the previous session.

Seems complicated? Shut up. It really isn't. You just post your name here and wait, then I tell you who you're fighting and what your rule for the match is. A complete idiot could do it.


Fighters
1. Lash
2. Paula
3. Vivian
4. Petunia
5. Lighter
6. Fang
7. Kirby
8. Panther
9. Maxwell
10. Watt
11. Knuckles
12. Roselia
13. Storm
14. Daisy
15. Blaze
16. Aviana
17. Smeargle
18. Goombario
19. Geno
20. Douchebag the Hedgehog

( Presents lol [Rogues, Holograms, Sonic, Snake, Samus, Bowser] )
--

( Private to Ocelot )

*Before he left, Jet spent his time getting from point A to point B on his Extreme Gear. You can't kiss what you can't catch, cootie factories. Now that he has dashed off to compete with his rival and lose horribly, he's sending a quick mobile post so people don't think he's dead :V*

Wave, Storm. Forgot to mention it earlier, but I'm going to go save innocent citizens from crazy robots break crazy robots with Sonic again this sounds so lame show Sonic who's boss. Shouldn't take too long. I promise I'll be home in time for Christmas.

( Hey, Holograms. )

Hey, Sumabura!

Rawk already told you about the Glitz Pit, so I guess it's my job to tell you about



The Glitz Pit? Kind of a big deal. High-pressure. Big commitment. If you get in, you'll be doin' it for weeks, if not months.
Don't have that kind of time? Can't take that kind of pressure? Need to hone your skills before you're ready for the big leagues?
That's what boot camp is for. You can get used to Glitz Pit rules with the comfort of the school's safety protocols, and it's much less of a commitment. Sessions are just one randomly-matched spar. Unless you want to bribe me into a less-than-random match. If you wanna have more than one boot camp brawl, you gotta sign up again next time around. I might let you in again if I'm not sick of your face, but I'm only taking 20 people at a time, so newbies get priority. Unlike Glitz Pit, I'm not paying your sorry butts for this. In fact, there's a small service fee for signing up. A bird's gotta put bread on the table somehow.

There are no tryouts for boot camp. I'll take in anyone, no matter how much they suck.

The first session will coincide with Glitz Pit tryouts, so watch for signups sometime after winter break. EDIT: Before anyone else gets confused, boot camp is totally separate from the actual Glitz Pit. If you're signed up for the Pit, don't bother signing up for this.

Robbing somebody on Christmas morning. You'd be surprised how many places give their security guards the day off.

...Nah, I'm only kidding. That would be way too easy cruel.

Thanksgiving was... eh. I guess it was alright. It was nice to have a big crowd around, I'll say that much. I'm used to it just being us three Rogues most of the time. I don't know what Sonic sees in those chili dog things, though. They're kind of disgusting.
At least that shabu-whatever was tasty.

Hey, did anyone catch the Glitz Pit match on TV the other night? The Koopinator was supposed to go up against Craw-Daddy one-on-one. I tried to watch it in the common room, but some blue-haired twerp pitched a fit until I let her watch the F-Zero races. Go figure.
The Glitz Pit just hadn't been the same ever since Gonzales retired, anyways. It all seems so fake without him. I guess I could just go watch everyone try to beat up the physics teacher instead. Apparently he's going to have a few matches. I suppose that's one perk to a fighting school, huh?



EDIT:
Sumabura, I don't want to alarm you, but there's a pervert in our midst. Security department, you might wanna see about getting this hobo's account banned from the network.
Kids, it's not okay to sexually harass your peers. Especially if you're some kind of gross turtle.

( Private to... uh... that teacher the turtle hobo was hitting on )

So it sounds like the school's having trouble with a thief.
Huh. Fancy that.

I guess I'm a little late in posting, but I've been busy taking care of that red bird's little pet crow-thing with Storm. I don't know how anything can be happy eating nothing but Twizzlers, but he seems to like it just fine. This'll be the easiest gold chunk we've ever earned. It's a good thing he doesn't mind the temporary dorms so much. I'm not complaining about the wait to get a regular dorm, I know the headmaster's a busy guy. (Too busy to do background checks, heh. I thought I'd have to bribe my way into the school, but he took one look at me and was all "Bean? Is that you, Bean? Oh! How I've missed you!" Don't ask me how somebody can mistake a hawk for a bean. Must be because hands don't have eyes.)



( Private to the Holograms )

Right.
Now that the Babylon Rogues are all together again, it's time I introduced myself properly.




MY NAME IS JET THE HAWK AND I AM HERE TO KICK ASS.